I could make wine with my vomit
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
