yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
