who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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