I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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