birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I lost the right to judge tonight
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
