either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
