He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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