Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
