This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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