DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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