omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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