if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
