I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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