i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
