Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
