We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
