my phone needs a breathalizer
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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