Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
