just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
