Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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