i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize