her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
