my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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