Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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