Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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