Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
