meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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