Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
