weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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