I'm going to jail i love you
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize