Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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