I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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