i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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