I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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