Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
