she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Are my feet made of real feet?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
