I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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