You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
