the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
