omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
