The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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