My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So much rum. So many feels.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
