I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
