This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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