2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
