Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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