I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
