He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
