This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Michael Bay diarrhea
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
