I should be sponsored by Trojan
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
