What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
