Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
