Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
