If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
