i love accidental penises.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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