walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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