happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
