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Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
