I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
