my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
