Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize