Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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