We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
