his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Pants are for mortals
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
