Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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